PorcuBimmer Lemons Team

Porky’s Totally Awesome Weekend™ continued this past Sunday as we entered our first event in the San Diego Grand Challenge, the Concours d’Elegance.  More like the Concours d’Ignorance if they let us in, am I right?  *canned laughter*

Our trusty steed looked pretty good out there, all washed up…  um.  All cleaned up, proudly displaying the “We Got Screwed” trophy from Altamont ‘08 and my lovingly handcrafted (while somewhat drunk at 1am the Friday before the show) brag board with photos of the build and racing action…

We had a good time chatting with people about the car and were pleasantly surprised to see that some people had actually heard of not only Lemons, but the Porcubimmer as well.  In fact, one of the SDGC entrants was also building a 325e for Lemons, which they had on display.  Their theme is they are taking donations to write the graffiti of your choice on the car, and in return they are turning the donations over to breast cancer research.  Now, we at Team Porcubimmer love boobies, so we had to toss them a couple bucks…

…and, uh, mark our territory, as it were.  They were good sports about it.

We also participated in some karting, since the event was held at Miramar Speed Circuit.  I’ve conveniently “lost” my timeslips.  Hmm.

For showing up at the TV studio on Sunday, Scott was invited to spin the Wheel Oh SNAP (SNAP = Several Negligibly Advantageous Prizes)…

…where we won “the Twins.”  In all SDGC competition events, the single best time from the two fastest drivers is combined for an aggregate total, regardless of whether one driver had the two best times from the event.  The Twins let you take the two fastest times at an event, regardless of whether they were set by the same person or not.  Considering Scott’s pretty much our conedodging ringer, this might actually be helpful!

We passed the SDGC equivalent of BS judging with $100 to spare, which actually kinda surprised us since the SDGC does not consider safety equipment “exempt,” since this is not a wheel to wheel series like Lemons and does not require a cage, harness, etc.  But since the car was built for Lemons, they decided to take pity on us since they realized we’re all completely insane and slightly retarded.

With BS judging complete, it was time to reveal the final Concours scores, which count towards the season point total.  They started reading the results from the bottom up…  and we were amazed when we finally heard our name called:  tied for 2nd, 7 out of 10 possible points!  I guess the “Fit and Finish” category did us in.  The kicker came when the organizers handed out some special awards…  and we won the Judges Choice trophy!

That’s right!  Best in show.  Hail to the Pricks, baby.

The first competition event is June 27 at the dragstrip at Barona.  I’m now taking bets on how fast slow we’ll run.  Come on out and cheer us on, as Scott impersonates John Force (again) and does gigantic rolling burnouts down the length of the 1/8mi!

-AJ

As mentioned below, we have entered the Porcubimmer into the San Diego Grand Challenge. This morning, the event organizer arranged to have a few of the race cars at the KUSI TV studio to do a promotional spot for the SDGC and invite people to come to the judged show portion of the event tomorrow. Only two teams showed up, and our car got the limelight due to its obviously ridiculous… err awesome appearance.

The reporter asked me to do a burnout, so I happily obliged. I am trying to find a way to upload the whole segment from my DVR, but for now, here’s a video of the burnout taken by me pointing my camera at the TV. Ghetto, I know, but what do you expect from this team?

Not too shabby if I do say so myself!

-Scott

With the San Diego Grand Challenge kicking off next weekend and LeMons Buttonwillow fast approaching, Scott, Vince, and myself met in Mexico at Scott’s folks’ house to do a little work on ol’ Porky and our new unofficial support vehicle.

The first order of business was getting a trailer hitch assembly attached to Scott’s girlfriend’s (sister’s brother’s roomate’s…wait) new Highlander Hybrid so we can drag the BMW around San Diego for Grand Challenge events and such.  Also, this allows us to feel smug about towing our hydrocarbon spewing race car with a clean running hybrid.  Team Porcubimmer cares about the environment.  *snicker*

With that done, we immediately repaired to the nearest taco shop for burritos.  So much for offsetting our carbon footprint.

Upon returning to the garage, Scott started working on our movable aerodynamic device, Vince worked on welding up a crack in the front bumper mount, and I changed out the spark plugs and repaired some accessory wiring under the hood.  While this was going on, Scott’s mom was working on touching up the paint on the quills and mouth.

Once that was done, I took a moment to fire up the engine to make sure that I can actually do something as simple as change spark plugs correctly without screwing it all up, and was pleasantly surprised that she fired right up… once I was reminded by Scott that turning the starter without the ignition on doesn’t really work.  Shut up.  Anyway, it sounded more glorious than ever thanks to the valve adjustment Scott made the other week.

After that Vince had to go (something about having a wife and kid and responsibility and all that) so he showed us how to use his fancy new electric shears, and I promptly set to work doing what I do best:  breaking shit.

OK, I let Scott get in on the fun, too.

So after a little bit of Stage 403.9 weight reduction…

We had two nicely (more or less) gutted rear doors.  We were going to do the front ones too but apparently it was getting late and we still had to finish our highly intensive detailing for the SDGC Concourse judging next Sunday, so those will have to wait for another day.  Instead we busted out all of the Griots’ products we could find and the diapers and the ShamWOW and… oh who am I kidding, we made a token effort to cover the sensitive bits of the interior, turned on the hose, filled a bucket with soap, and splashed water all over the car.

Only the finest products and the most skilled detailers are allowed to grace the Porcubimmer with their touch…  oh who am I kidding, I think I squeezed the sponge out once.  After cleaning the rubber off the rear decklid and bumper.

So now we’re ready for the Concourse judging!  If you’ve got nothing better to do (and I know you don’t), come out and say hi to us!

Sunday, June 7, 1 PM - 4 PM

Miramar Speed Circuit
8123 Miralani Dr
San Diego, CA 92126

See ya there!

-AJ

After a well deserved several month break, it’s time for Team Porcubimmer to kick it back into gear.

First of all, Vince, one of our former drivers, started his own team, Chevy High Performance, and entered his ‘83 Chevy Camaro racer in the “Going for Broken” 24 Hours of LeMons race in Reno, NV last weekend. Rich, Kris, and I all decided to go up there and give him a hand. Unfortunately, the car blew a head gasket and most likely toasted the rod bearings after 14 laps and Vince’s race was done. It was still a ton of fun to attend, however, and it got me motivated to get the Porcubimmer into racing shape again.

The next west coast LeMons race is in August at Buttonwillow. I’m currently assembling a list of interested drivers and we will be applying soon (registration deadline is next week). But in the meantime, since the Porcubimmer has been sitting dormant, we decided to enter it in the San Diego Grand Challenge. It’s Grassroots Motorsports magazine’s west coast version of their low buck $2009 challenge, which consists of a series of drag racing and autocross events in San Diego across several months for cars prepared for $1000 or less. There’s a Concours car show competition as well, with one of the judging categories being “fit and finish.” I’m sure the judges will just mark “LOL” for our car. It starts next week and I’m sure our car will fare well in the autocross portion. We’ll be severely outgunned for the drag race, though, but we’re mainly just doing it for fun.

Hope to see you at the races! — Scott

Here’s Ben spinning the Porcubimmer as seen from The Faustest Team’s gold E30 BMW.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWBIwKEHTqY

Here is the same spin (video #4 below) as seen from our own car:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1kFEio0aJ4

He almost caught it, but snap oversteer is a bitch! In his defense, the rear end got twitchy on me several times going into turn 3 too, but luckily I saved it. Blind, off camber turns are just a little tricky!

Maybe we need a giant wing for next time.

-Scott

I didn’t get to take many photos as I was too busy organizing our motley crew of racers and pit crew members, so here are photos and videos of our car and the general event taken by others:

Professional photos by Head On
Kris’ photos
Our buddy Charles’ photos
More photos posted online

In car videos:

Video 1
Video 2
Video 3
Video 4

And in my opinion, the best photo of the race which was taken by me:

Yes, that’s our favorite thimble-bladdered driver running from the Port-a-potty in full racing gear. Don is right, we’ll never let Kris forget this!

-Scott

We’re number 32!  32^nd place!  Thirty Second place.  Out of over 100 cars!  Heck, there were so many cars there that Jalopnik only showed the top 100.  The car ran great, the team kicked arse, and the results are frankly wonderful.  Obstacles were encountered and crushed.  Competitors were raced and passed.  Beers were drunk.  The Porcubimmer ran like a champ.  It was a glorious weekend.  Apologies now for details forgotten or misplaced.

Arse-Freeze-Apalooza 2008 at Thunderhill - the promised rain never showed, the temps never got quite as low as some feared they would, and everyone had a good time.  The team arrived in spurts over the course of Friday the 26^th.  Kris and Reid were at the track when Mr. Malone arrived with the car in tow.  They tested it on the track and with honest smiles reported it primed and ready to go.  The rest of the team arrived and General Scott laid out the plans.  The level of cooperation was great.

Saturday morning dawned and the sky was heavy – leaden looking even, to sound a bit cliché.  I was thankful that we had a covered pit slot in case it rained.  Rich had food ready for everyone when they arrived.  We all walked the track.  Kris got suited up for the primo stint in the car.  He and AJ had the radios ready and handed out.  The car sounded AWESOME.  Seeing it queued up in the hot pits was wonderful.  Slowly, the track officials started to get the cars out and parading.  There were a lot of cars.  I really can’t stress this fact . . . seeing the parking lot develop on turn 6 . . . watching cars stall out on the hill up to turn 5 . . . it was comical.

And then came the radio call.  Kris had been parading for, well, some time then.  He had to make a pit stop.  Yes, he had to pee.  What an auspicious start to the weekend!  AJ said no, Kris said yes, AJ said No, Kris said YES!  So in he came.

Thankfully 3 things happened – he peed fast thanks to the team quickly helping him out and back in to the car, he got back on to the track while they were *still* parading the cars in prep for the start, and most importantly – there is photographic proof of him sprinting from one of the track spot-a-pots.  We will never let him live it down.

Other comical highlights of the weekend – boogie boogie Ratbert driving under a yellow . . . Reid’s ongoing and never ending commentary (“take yer vacation someplace else!!”  “get this effin fiat out of my way!”  “Surprise buttsex passing!”) . . . Ben packing 50lbs of dirt into the wheel wells after some rad work passing other cars . . . Kris buttering the sides and stuffing the car into places you wouldn’t think it would fit . . . Scott seeming to be in all places at all times – in the car, in the pits, talking with the judges.  Ben got a black flag for contact when car 45 – the Peoples Curse winner – but turned around by a fustercluck in 5 and right into him despite his best efforts to avoid the chaos.  Reid also had bad luck in 5 on Sunday when, during the dishing out of the Peoples Curse, the track went from yellow to green and I screamed this at him over the radio and off he went passing cars . . . and a slow mustang turned in front of him in a state of total obliviousness to the actual state of the race.  I was one of like maybe 5 people in the tower spotting right then.  We got lucky with black flags and penalties overall – the worst we had was a 10min timeout and driver change . . . much better than some other teams earned.

Mechanically we had a return of electrical gremlins late on Saturday.  Rich was driving and the car started sputtering and cutting out.  He brought it in and everyone descended on it to figure it out.  The car would crank but not fire – is it fuel or spark?  We quickly found it was fuel – the pump wasn’t running!  We ghetto’d up a bypass to get power to the pump and got the car back out, running strong.  After racing ended on Saturday we fixed it proper and left the bypass in as an emergency fix ready to go.  Thankfully that was the only issue we had besides tires . . . and our tire changes were epically fast at about 2mins or so!  Beat That!

If Saturday was grand, the Sunday was simply Epic.  We started the day in 61^st place.  We finished in 32^nd.  The credit goes to our great drivers:  Scott, Kris, Ben, Rich, and Reid.  Mike Y, Mike M, Tyler, Cody, AJ, and I helped as best we could with spotting, prepping the car, changing tires, etc.  We Finished The Race!  Seeing the Porcubimmer racing under the checkered flag was the perfect ending.

-Don

I’m a few beers in and my attention span is really short right now, so here’s the quick race wrap up.

Finishing position: 32nd

Laps: 290 (vs winner’s 335)

Black flags: 1 one Saturday for passing under yellow (wiped with “Get out of jail free” card won at junkyard scavenger hunt), 4 on Sunday for going off course and contact (one of which was B.S. and we shouldn’t have gotten it)

Penalties: 3 driver changes, 10 minute penalty box.

Mechanical issues: one blown fuel pump relay (which lead to us to manually rewire the fuel pump), two tire changes

Here are the official results:

http://www.mylaps.com/results/showrun.jsp?id=1028671

The car ran fantastically other than the fuel pump issue, and all of our drivers did really well apart from some minor incidents that caused the black flags on us. We were out for about an hour total including all the penalties and repairs in the pits. Without that I’m convinced we could have been in the top 10. But oh well, we all had an awesome time and our car is still running great. Considering our car died out after less than 2 hours last time, this time was a great success.

Thanks to EVERYONE who made this possible. I’m sure Kris or AJ will fill in other details.

-Scott

Today was a fantastic day of racing for Team PorcuBimmer.   The day started out with about 45 minutes of yellows - luckily enough time for me to come in, pee, and get back out there before the race started (Jay had reminded us to drink lots of water… I shouldn’t have listened!    We were holding steady in 20th and 19th place for 4 full driver changes.  The car started cutting out a bit on Rich, and when he pulled into the pits, it stalled altogether.   It wook us 20-30 minutes to diagnose and solve the problem (fuel pump wasn’t getting power.  We wired it up directly to a switched power source via a wire that was taped to the fender and door sills of the car.  We’re implementing a permanent solution as I type).      Reid went out and absolutely tore it up for our final stint… passed a few dozen cars.    At the end of the day, we ended up in 55th place.   Looking at the results throughout the day, there are a lot of really fast, unreliable cars out there (cars with great “fastest lap time” but in a low place).

I’m sure you can get more updates from jalopnik.com on other teams.

Thanks for everyone’s support!  Here’s to climing up the ranks tomorrow.

-Kris

The Porcubimmer was picked up by my buddy Mike on Tuesday and as of last night had passed the Grapevine on I-5. I was very happy to hear things went smoothly because the weather didn’t look so great over the mountains.

I, on the other hand, didn’t have such smooth sailing. First, one of my favorite parts of a great movie that accurately represents how I felt yesterday:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4CgLRcYN74

Driver Ben and pit member Tyler are both in San Diego to see their families for Christmas, then will be going to the race and after that will head home to Seattle where they both now live. I decided to go with them to Seattle after the race and stay with them for a few days over the new year. The best way to get there would be to rent a car one way, since flying to Thunderhill wasn’t a viable option. Back several months ago I booked an SUV through Advantage Rent-a-car at a really great rate. This would be ideal as we’d have 4 guys (including AJ who is driving to the race with us) and a bunch of stuff in the back, plus the possibility of renting a 4WD for the inevitable bad weather in the Northwest.

It was a great plan until I received an email from Advantage earlier this month saying they are shutting down several of their locations because they are filing for bankruptcy, but Hertz would be honoring their reservations. I called Hertz and they confirmed this. Fast forward to yesterday, when AJ and I went to Hertz and was told they were completely booked up and had no car for me to rent. I asked what I could do and they basically told me to pound sand. Fantastic. Luckily I had my laptop with me and I was able to find a weak wireless signal and look up car rentals online. SUVs were ungodly expensive, so we decided to settle on a “full size” car from National for $200 more than my original reservation.

National was right next to Budget, so we drove over and asked to rent the car for the price we saw online. The agent at the counter informed me the only car they had left to rent without a reservation was a convertible. I asked him if I made the reservation on my laptop outside and walked back in, would I get the car at the price I wanted? He said yes. Sooo stupid. Given the wireless connection on my laptop was flaky, I called Ben and he made the reservation for us. A few minutes later we were behind the wheel of a big pimpin’ Impala. Pretty roomy interior and a big ass trunk. That’ll do. One consolation is that National doesn’t charge extra for an additional driver, so I added AJ to drive. We briefly considered renting an AWD Fusion instead, but the tires on them didn’t look so hot, and considering it’s probably going to be solid rain/snow from Thunderhill to Seattle, we wanted some good rubber. We were also lucky to find a set of lightly used snow chains on Craigslist for $40 since I’m sure we’ll need them. So we’re all set to go.

Let’s hope this is the most drama we’ll face this week! Today I will humor my girlfriend in participating in this “Christmas” thing, while the Porcubimmer will make its way up to the track. Big thanks to Mike for towing the car, and Merry Christmas to all!

-Scott